I’m in love, and I’m hurting. I’m in love with reality show celebritisn’t, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. And I’m hurting because she’s no way famous enough for my needs. I need to see those wondrous gravity-slapping cha-chas more often. They’re enough to turn me straight.

I need to seem them squished up into my computer screen, whumping across my magazines, thwudding around my TV. But face it, she’s never going to punch her way up from D-list to C-list, even with that weight advantage. Not with that name. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth? Give me a fucking break. She needs to start calling herself Ooma Gazooma, then I’d vote for her.

Oh for the love of Vicodin, could her life be any more of a car crash?

Stupid question.

I don’t know who thought this was a good idea, but last night Britney took her Mercedes out for a quick spin, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody whammed it straight into another car. The cops arrived, Britney was breathalized, but the machine must have not been working because she was released without charge.

I’m surprised she managed to back it out of the garage without killing someone.

Oh God – of course – that’s what’s next: she’s going to run someone down. They might as well arrest her for it now. Get a head start on the paperwork.

Scientists have finally got their act together, set aside their cancer treatments and protype AIDS vaccines, and got on with the serious business of determining the new scale of hotness.

How it works is simple, there are three basic levels of hotness:

i) NOT HOT

ii) HOT

iii) TOTALLY HOT

They are defined as follows: NOT HOT is everyone or everything which hotter than Peter Hitchens (the absolute zero of hotness) but less hot than post-surgery Meg Ryan. HOT is everything which is as hot or more hot than post-surgery Meg Ryan, but not as hot as pre-Airwolf Jan-Michael Vincent (who is TOTALLY HOT):

Note: as with temperature, there is no absolute maxium of hotness. Absolute hotness is a myth. A lie. There is always going to be someone hotter round the corner in a sauna corridor. I love my work!