Dr Phil (first name unknown) has just bought himself a new play toy. The talk show host has posted $33,000 bail for one of eight teenagers arrested for severely beating another teen in Florida. It’s so Victorian. “Just going to pop to jail and buy myself a nice young deliquent… have her scrubbed and sent to my room… her clothes? burn them.”

But I reckon Phil is going to have his hands full with this one. She’s a firecracker, all nails and elbows. I guess he must go in for rough sex. Which is odd, because I always had him down for adult diapers, rocking in a cot and weeping until the nice lady in the nurse’s outfit hushed him to sleep.